The WONDER of knowing you are loved ....

I visited my Mom in Arizona last week.  She will be 100 in March!!!   We are planning a big party.... the family will gather.  More than once during our visit she remarked,  "I hope I live long enough so I can come to the party."

I hope she does too.

It was a good visit and though she talked of dying frequently, it often was with a bit of humor or a peacefulness.

Whenever we say good-bye in person or on the phone, we each say "I love you."  She said it first this time and after I replied with "I love you too, Mom" she said, "I know you do!"

 That is when my throat closed up (and does again as I type this).  For isn't that, after all, the most wonderful thing of all .... knowing we are loved.

This week I am wondering if those I love know it ....

TAKE A BOOK ALONG!

This sighting made me happy!  A restaurant on the Oregon coast….a sweet family of four enjoying dinner together conversing and laughing and watching the sea…..and then, as the dark took away the view and as Mom and Dad settled back to finish their wine, the girls each pulled out …… NOT iPhones or iPads or iPods….. but a book!!!  I wanted to do a dance and skip a jig!

I couldn't help it….I excused myself for interrupting and then told them how thrilled I was to see this and could I snap a photo please.  They were from the Netherlands traveling the USA this summer.  We congratulated them on their World Cup success and then my friend, who's grandmother was a cousin of Laura Ingalls Wilder, struck up a conversation with the one reading Little House on the Prairie, sharing stories her grandmother had told her.

I am wondering today why I have started falling out of the habit of always taking books into the restaurant with my grandkids….why I have my iPhone at the ready when they finish eating and get restless.  It's time to go back to books.  Yes, I keep a stack of books between their carseats but I need to schlep that bag of books into the restaurant like I used to.  I am grateful to this wonderful family for reminding me of that.

Licking and Grooming - Not just for Rats - PART TWO

So summer is here and the days are crazy…. and not nearly as lazy as I would like.  But I did finish the book (Paul Tough's How Children Succeed - Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character) whose beginning pages inspired the last Licking and Grooming post.

I am always looking for examples of kids (or adults for that matter)  displaying strong character.  I enjoy conversing about what it is, exactly.  I am fascinated with how we teach it …. or don't.  I am dismayed that there are so few opportunities for our young people to see it modeled by the celebrities or government leaders or corporate heads who grab the headlines. I wonder why we don't  talk about it more.  Is it something we shy away from because we feel there is a moral component to it that should be left to our religious institutions?  Or perhaps we fear it comes laden with judgement about how to best parent?

So I was absorbed in  Paul Tough's book and it  didn't disappoint.  But I have to admit I was hoping for an answer to fix the problems that seem so rampant in our country ….. simple ways we could help kids develop Character - especially those around us who grow up in poverty and within families where survival takes precedence over and time away from nurturing - licking and grooming.  And they are there, but it is NOT simple.

 on page 191 of his book Paul Tough asks ...
       What can we as a country do to significantly improve the life chances of millions of poor children?
(I think the guy's last name is apropos)

And this question comes after he has shared the daunting statistics about the number of people in poverty (40% of American families according to our country's Education Department)  and the dysfunctional pipeline that those living in poverty must maneuver …. overcrowded medicaid clinics, social service and child-welfare offices and hospital ER clinics.   A school system that often steers them into special ed, remedial classes or alternative schools.  And outside school?  A broken system of foster homes, juvenile detention and probation officers.  In Tough's words, "an extremely expensive system, wildly inefficient and has a low success rate."

So I was getting rather dismayed.  Especially since so much of my work as an educator has been with middle school and high school age young people and if they missed out on Licking and Grooming and nurturing (i.e. support) when they were young, are they doomed to be those 'throw-away kids'?   And to make things worse,  Tough suggests one way of looking at character is how it "functions as a substitute for the social safety net that students who come from [affluence] enjoy - the support from their families and schools and culture that protects them from the consequences of occasional detours …  mistakes and bad decisions."  He also says that  low income kids need more grit, more social intelligence, more self control than wealthier kids.  CRAP ---- there is NOTHING SIMPLE ABOUT THIS!

At this point, I came close to stashing the book in the bedside drawer and getting out a steamy summer romance novel.  After all, I am only one older retired lady without an endless cash stream!

But then I went back to my dog-eared pages and re-read the highlights….

• about how researchers and school-reformers have found that being a successful human is not just about IQ and doing well on tests and that the most critical missing piece is character.
• that many people think character is something innate …a core set of attributes, but researchers (Seligman and Peterson) suggest character skills can be learned, practiced and taught at any age.
• that a researcher at Penn (Duckworth) did a study where she found that students' self-discipline scores from the previous fall were better predictors of their final GPAs than their IQ scores.
• that there are schools where students actually accumulate a CPA (character point average) along with their GPA (Kipp).   Hmmm --- what could that mean for those hiring?

So I came away grateful for this book and for all the schools and researchers who are studying this and making concrete and quantifiable what has been so abstract.  I am grateful for the new and hard work that is being done to help kids succeed.

But I still wonder …. what can I do?  Especially to support those kids who fall below the poverty line and who might not have had that L an G nurturing when they were young.    Paul Tough has an answer for me ….

       "…when children reach early adolescence, what motivates them most effectively isn't licking and grooming-style care but a very different kind of attention….the unexpected experience of someone taking them seriously, believing in their abilities, and challenging them to improve themselves."

Can't we all do that?  In big or little ways, can't we seek out kids who need us to do this for and with them?

 It is simple after all.

Licking and Grooming....Not just for Rats!

I am going to use Paul Tough's new book HOW CHILDREN SUCCEED, Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character  as the reason why this blog post is late.

I am hooked on every word!  It is not a long book, but it is thick with data, science, long term studies and provocative thought.

It seems rather ironic that I am reading it just when so many school kids and teachers are hunkered down under the pressure of state and federally mandated testing because this book.... and here I paraphrase the book jacket ...... 'challenges the story we usually tell about childhood .... that success comes to those who score highest on tests.  In How Children Succeed, Paul Tough argues that the qualities that matter have more to do with character skills like perseverance, curiosity, optimism, and self-control.'

Reading that alone made me want to shout AMEN. During my career in the classroom we knew (but only anecdotally and subjectively) about the need to develop character right alongside teaching math, history, geography and the five paragraph essay ... but to think that this book might offer proof through careful scientific data and long term study, plus ways to use this knowledge to transform young people's lives, our schools, our parenting and especially to improve the lives of children growing up in poverty - this has me stoked...and hooked.  At least that's what I hope this book is going to tell us....but I'm not there yet - only about sixty fascinating, underlined, dog-eared pages into it.

 I expect several blog posts to bubble up out of all the wonderings this powerful book is bringing up for me.  Here is the first one.....

We were on a family vacation recently (that, more likely, is the real reason for the tardy blog post).  We have a wonderful new baby grandson and on this trip I watched my daughter in law .... at every feeding, diaper change, or free moment ... kiss and nuzzle his sweet two month old face, pick at every piece of lint or dry skin on his round growing body, rub his soft bald head, or simply hold those little fingers that wrapped around hers.  Now it pains me to put our wonderful cherubic grandchildren (or my lovely DIL)  in the same paragraph with rats but Paul Tough talks in this book about studies with rats (led by neuroscientist, Michael Meany) done to expand our understanding of the relationship between parenting and childhood stress. Rat mothers (dams) were observed licking and grooming their offspring (pups) when the pups were returned to the cage following testing, in order to lower the stress hormones that become elevated when they are out of the cage exposed to the rigors of the tests and human handling.  Of course, they observed rat moms who were big L and G-ers (as the scientists termed them) and rat moms who weren't as much. So they decided to set up regular observations to keep score of the  L and G time and then to see if there were any long-term effects of these parenting behaviors on the young rats.

When the rat 'pups' were fully grown, the researchers gave them a series of tests that compared the offspring of the high LG (licked and groomed)  rats with the low LG rats.  The specifics in the book are fascinating but suffice it to say, that on each test the high LG offspring excelled - better at mazes, more social, more curious, less aggressive, healthier, lower levels of stress hormones, more self-control, lived longer.   AND ...  the L and G did not have to come just from the biological mother to produce those effects!

Now perhaps this is more of a "DUH" than an "A-HA" for most, and daunting to anyone trying to assist and improve the lives of disadvantaged children, but here is what Paul Tough says....

           "We now know that early stress and adversity can literally get under a child's skin, where it can cause damage that lasts a lifetime.  But there is also some positive news in this research. It turns out that there is a particularly effective antidote to the ill effects of early stress, and it comes not from pharmaceutical companies or early-childhood educators but from parents.  Parents and other caregivers who are able to form close, nurturing relationships with their children can foster resilience in them that protects them from many of the worst effects of a harsh early environment.  This message can sound a bit warm and fuzzy, but it is rooted in cold, hard science.  The effect of good parenting is not just emotional or psychological, the neuroscientists say, it is biochemical."

Today I am wondering how we as a society can help provide this necessary nurturing to all children.

HOW IS LIFE DIFFERENT NOW?

It was seven years ago.  My husband and I were newly minted, first-time grandparents out to dinner with a good friend and business consultant.

After adoring the photos of our pie-in-the-sky grand-daughter with all the accompanying oohs and aahs, our friend sat back, smiled and looked us straight in the eyes….
    "So…how is life different now?"  she asked.

My husband and I waxed on about the joy and wonder in seeing your own child parent….. the freedom of enjoying the cuddles, sweet smells and adorableness, then turning the bundle over and heading home for a good night's sleep….the fun of getting out the old toys you've kept all these years …the deep warmth that washes through you when you read her the book her Dad loved.

 But part of me knew that though all those were true, there was more --- that wasn't really what was making life feel so much different now.  It was so much bigger than that, but I couldn't articulate, or didn't know yet, how to answer any differently.

We settled into the business part of the evening.  We were facing some new directions and decisions with our business.  At one point our discussion circled back to a pivotal juncture on this career journey - a week long experience in Toronto where the core and driving philosophy behind this practice was birthed.  Over twenty five years ago now.

Hanging in the lobby of the Toronto training organization was a picture of a sweet young boy.  Under it were these words,  "What about Jeremy?"  This is what we were to keep in mind throughout the week.  To always base our business decisions on what is best for "Jeremy".  To value the world we create when we do this.  To know that children are watching and wondering and ever so willing to emulate us.

I can no longer remember the specifics of what business decisions we were talking about on that night seven years ago, the direction we were thinking of taking the business, or the financial impacts of those potential decisions, but I clearly recall what happened next, for suddenly, I knew the answer to How is Life Different Now?  The lump in my throat and tears that welled up told me so.  And there was an urgent call that came with it.

Grandchildren made the "Jeremy" responsibility come screaming to the forefront.  How do we fix this world?  How do we make it better for our children?  How do we create a culture of care and intentionality around what is good and right for children?  What are we leaving our grandchildren?

That is my wondering again this week…. as now there are three….living and looking up at us.

BEAST MODE …..  what about that label?

Seahawks fever is bursting thermometers here in the Pacific Northwest.  Even those of us who are rather blasé about the sport, and feel much of the culture surrounding it is unhealthy have tuned in a bit.

 Marshawn Lynch, one of the Seattle team's star running backs, is beast like in his strength and power on the field.  The fans have tagged him and his moves with the term, Beast Mode.  The Urban Dictionary defines Beast Mode as,
   " A hype, energetic, outgoing, wilding-out state of mind."  A second definition reads "Superhuman state of being in which animal instincts take over mind and body."

Our three year old grandson is energetic and outgoing. In fact,  sometimes his energy explodes into what you could call a 'wilding-out' state of mind.  He loves to talk in a guttural roar and there are times it seems animal instincts have taken over his body even when he isn't pretending to be a tiger or lion or bear.  He gives us immeasurable joy and abundant smiles.

For Christmas he received a toddler-sized Seahawks t-shirt with BEAST MODE emblazoned across the front.  The perfect gift, we all thought.

Now, if you have followed this blog at all, you know I notice T-shirts and what they are saying.  My grand-daughter's Be Nice shirt plus her Make Yourself Proud shirt have both prompted wondering that turned into posts.

Not sure the Beast Mode shirt would have had that same effect until my husband and I were driving home from the holiday gatherings.  When I commented on the hilarity around the Beast Mode t-shirt, my always-thinking and often-wise husband said he hoped we were not sticking our adorable Mr. G with a tightly adhesive label. Oh sheesh …. really?  I wanted to dismiss that as phooey …. and yet I kept wondering about it.

Could we potentially miss out on the sweet and tender side of this boy if he learns to conform to the behaviors associated with the label we have given him?  Could it even direct or script the path in life he chooses to lead?   I know….pretty strong stuff to lay on one little T-shirt,  and possibly very unlikely, but worth at least wondering about, I think.  Are there other things we are saying to or around this young boy that he is taking in.  How careful do we have to be?

Child psychologist, Brenna Hicks, reminds us on her blog, The Kid Counselor, to keep in mind the implications even harmless labels can have, especially on our children, in regard to their self-esteem, behavior and developing personalities.

She reminds us about families with children who have been officially diagnosed with an emotional, behavioral or mental disorder who have learned the power of labeling and know the hard work involved in helping their child live beyond that defining label.

She suggests we think carefully about the impact of labels and recommends we give intentional thought to the words we choose if we must define certain things about our children for ourselves or others.

      "….try to choose positive versions of the same trait, i.e. "spirited" rather than "hyper", "cautious" instead of "timid".

It makes sense.  It takes work and intention.  Our children and grandchildren are worth it.

Recently, I saw a photo of a child holding a sign with these words, Please don't label me.  Let me grow up and choose for myself.   Maybe someone can find a way to fit that message on a child size T-shirt.

 In the meantime, GO HAWKS!

What does your face say FIRST ??

I am seeing a pattern here at courageouswonderings.blogspot.com..... like many things in the autumn season, my blog entries seem to dry up.  September is our month to travel; then we recoup and catch up half of Oct and soon we are on that slippery slope to and through the holidays.  It's not like I stop WONDERING.  It's the posting about that WONDERING that takes a hiatus.

Much of my fall wondering was inspired by Brene Brown's latest book, Daring Greatly.    Her subtitle clues us in to the content:  How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.  I found it challenging and provocative. I'd recommend her TED talk too.

The last chapter in Daring Greatly on Wholehearted Parenting had me cheering out-loud in places and quietly nodding my head in a silent Yes, Yes in others! On page 223 Brene Brown talks about one of the very best pieces of parenting advice she ever received.  It was via Toni Morrison on an Oprah show in May of 2000.  Brown writes:

"Ms. Morrison explained that it's interesting to watch what happens when a child walks 
into a room. [Morrison] asked,  'Does your face light up? ......When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up....You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you're caring for them. It's not.  When they see you, they see the critical face. What's wrong now?'  [Morrison's] advice was simple, but paradigm-shifting for me. She said, 'Let your face speak what's in your heart. When they walk in the room my face says I'm glad to see them. It's just as small as that, you see?'"

Brown tries to think about that advice literally every day and reminds us of this ...

"those first looks can be prerequisites or worthiness-builders.  I don't want to criticize when my kids walk in the room, I want to light up!"

As a grandparent,  I witness this first hand.  When our grandchildren walk in our door,  they seem to wait for us to lay our eyes on them expecting to see that look on our faces that must somehow match the joy in our hearts.  It's as if they know they bring us delight.  What an incredible feeling for anyone to experience - that your mere presence brings delight!

No doubt this is a common phenomenon when it comes to grandparents and grandkids. But suddenly, I am  feeling a need to send this to my thirty-something son and almost-thirty-something daughter as an apology for the many times my face FIRST said,  "Is your homework done? Are you really going to wear that? Did you wipe your feet? or Hurry up, we're late!"  Yes, some of that might need to come later, but I wish that FIRST, before any of that, my face would have said, I am so happy to see you!

Several months ago, over beer and pizza, I was telling my son about this fabulous book and specifically, this part of the last chapter.  His response was so wise. ( I love to think his wisdom is due to his great parenting, but actually, I think much of it has surfaced since he married his incredible wife!).

He simply said, "That's important to remember in ANY relationship."  

So, dear ones ---- spouse, family, colleagues, committee members, neighbors, friends, and especially the children .... watch my face when I first see you. I hope there is no expectation, prerequisite, "should" or judgement there. I hope it simply says, I am so happy to see you!  Here's to 2013!

The Berenstain Bears ROCK!

It was the first day of class - September something, nineteen ninety something.  Seventh grade core - reading, writing, social studies.  I had big dreams for all that these thirty boys and girls would accomplish that year.  I knew that for those dreams to be actualized I had to convince these 12 and 13 year olds that they needn't worry for even a minute that anyone in this classroom would ever roll their eyes from the back of the room or snicker from a side desk at their efforts.

I talked to them about the one thing I cared about the most - a respectful classroom -  and specifically, INTENT VS IMPACT.  I could see them try to stay with me.  I talked about put-downs and teasing. I acknowledged that many of the TV sitcoms they laughed at or the movies they loved were full of those 'funny put-downs'.  But that we were not going to do that in this classroom.
              "You mean we can't even tell a joke?" one student asked.

I told them I was sure that they would never INTEND to hurt anyone with their words or actions or jokes, but that yes, at least until we all really understood and embraced this and knew each other a whole lot better, we would be VERY careful with our words and our actions because we could never be totally sure what the IMPACT of that joke or tease might be.

I could tell some were skeptical.

We moved on to reading.  I asked if anyone had read a good book over the summer.  Hands went up.
                    "Where the Red Fern Grows."
                    "Maniac Magee."
                    "Witch on Blackbird Pond."

Then I called on a smiling and confident girl near the back who had come in with a friend she now sat near. Just before she could respond, her friend called out, "She read the Berenstain Bears."  Most of the students erupted in laughter.  I don't know if I missed a class-wide teachable moment or not, but I chose to ignore his remark and let her give her answer.  We moved on to a class assignment and I went to my desk while they worked.  Soon I called both of them over to my desk and told them of my concern about his remark in light of our Intent vs Impact agreement.  She quickly defended him saying what a good friend he was and that his remark didn't bother her one bit.  And he said that he teases her all the time.  I assured them I guessed that was the case so I really was not concerned about the impact of that tease on her as much as I was thinking about its possible impact on other students in the classroom....perhaps a student who was new and didn't know anyone and was trying to find the courage to raise her hand to share the summer book she had read, OR perhaps there was a student in our class who had read a Berenstain Bears book because that was his or her reading level.

Every September after that whether teaching middle schoolers or high schoolers, I used that story to illustrate INTENT VS IMPACT.  And when we would get a new student in our midst partway through a year or a semester, I would introduce them and then ask the class to do a brief review of our classroom philosophy.  Inevitably, they would tell the Berenstain Bears story.

So as this new school year arrives, I am grateful for those two students who gave me that example, and I am grateful to Stan and Jan Berenstain for those quirky and fun-filled Berenstain Bears books and I am grateful for all the wonderful and gifted educators who are starting out a new year with their own dreams.

And I am especially grateful for every educator that takes a chunk of time during that first week or month of school to set a tone of respect and caring in his or her classroom.....

and then bird-dogs the heck out of it.

The Gold Medal of Courage .....

Watching the Olympics gives me goosebumps, then lumps in my throat, then jaw-dropping doses of amazement. But most of all, I marvel at the COURAGE so many of these world athletes exhibit as they dig deep to fly over a pommel horse, congratulate the competitor who just beat them by less than a tiny slice of a second, or find a way to be gracious as their careers and hard work go sideways or even end.

In the high school Leadership classes I taught, we talked a great deal about courage.  Our class code asked each student leader (many of them elected by their peers) to dig deep to keep their word, include everyone, stick their neck out when they saw injustice or dishonesty, and try to bring their best self to each day.  We acknowledged the COURAGE it takes to stand up for what you believe to be right - especially in the face of potential ostracism from friends or classmates.   And then we tried HARD to practice it.

 The final assignment asked the students to pick a quote that spoke to them about the qualities we had studied and tried to emulate in our Leadership program.  It required a paper examining how the quote reflected the student's  understanding of leadership and an oral presentation to the class summarizing their thoughts.

"Robby" was in one of those classes.  He had been born with complications in the brain that impacted his speech, his gait and his cognitive ability.  Robby waited until the last day to give his oral presentation.

He had chosen Abraham Lincoln's quote about character:

            Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

On the day of his oral presentation he arrived in class looking worried and shaky.  One of the girls in the class offered to write his quote on the board when he struggled with the chalk and the spelling.  Once the quote was on the board,  he turned to his classmates and haltingly spoke about POWER.  He spoke of TV shows and commercials where people used  POWER to tease others, drive a car real fast, or blow something up.  He spoke of school life where POWER meant being popular.  Finally he spoke to his group of classmates - many of them elected leaders - who had befriended him, who had high-fived him when they passed him in the hallways, who had thought up the idea of having him wear the school mascot costume at the basketball games and the POWER he felt in that incognito role of THOR.

When he finished, I could not speak - and still these years later, as I remember this, the tears come.  The room fell silent that day.  Then "CJ", a tall and powerfully popular senior, spoke.  "We have been talking about COURAGE all semester long.  Today we saw it!"

 I will never ever forget the lesson I learned that day from Robby about the incredible COURAGE it takes to be vulnerable!  Now, in retirement, without students to teach me about vulnerability and authenticity, I find Brene Brown's TED talks and blog inspire me. 

Were CJ's words Robby's gold medal that day?  I wonder. 
  I imagine Robby watching these Summer Games.  How I wish I could put him on the medal stand!  

Maybe we could hold our own summer games - the Olympics of Authenticity!  Go for the Gold.

I-CAN-DO-THAT!

As my five year old grand-daughter and I walked through the field,  she got close enough to see the full extent of the rope swing hanging far off the ground in the tall trees.  She slowed and then stopped. 

"I have never been on a swing this high, Noni!"

  I suggested we go a bit closer so we could take a good look.  After I took a turn, she was game....

AGAIN .....

and AGAIN!

My husband is riding his bicycle from Seattle to Portland as I write this.  Last month he completed a bicycle ride over Logan Pass -  the Going-to-the-Sun highway -  in Glacier National Park. Adventure is on his mind.  And this is the time of year when for many many summers I took high schoolers into the woods to test themselves via Challenge Course events and watched amazing things happen when young people took risks.

So we have been talking about how to instill a sense of adventure in children.   How do we add risk to play?  How do we encourage kids to enjoy challenges vs shy away from them?  How do we help them learn about safety by experiencing risk?  How do we teach them that failure can bring wonderful things?

Several months ago I read Todd and Victoria Buchholz' article The Go-Nowhere Generation in The New York Times.  They point out the Stay-close-to-Home, Adventure-Avoidance attitudes in many teens and young adults today and wonder if it is yet another piece of the fall-out from our economic times.
Gever Tulley, founder of a summer program called The Tinkering School, suggests we let kids play with fire!  And he's not totally kidding.

Are we raising risk-averse kids?  I hope not.  But it does seem that our concerns about safety and litigation are getting in the way of instilling the "I-CAN-DO-IT!" attitude that we so desperately need and want our children and young people to possess.

Hey, Sweet Kid, you got a hand-written LETTER in the MAIL!

"She's getting confirmed," he told me.  "Would you write her a letter?"

I don't see my niece nearly as often as I would like.  She lives many states away. But still, I love her to pieces. Of course, I would write to her.

It took too long to get the letter off - I wanted it to reflect that I'd read and thought over what she wrote about taking this step in her life.  But once it was complete, I mailed it to her - in an envelope with a stamp - then emailed the gist of it to my brother.  Divorce has them living apart.

He replied with his thanks and his thoughts and this ....
"She'll read it .... and remember it .... and treasure it in the years to come.  That means thousands more to her (and to me) than a card with a $10 check in it that says ....
'Congratulations on your confirmation'."

Then he challenged me to "wonder" about letter writing on my blog someday.

He and I both know, I think, why we value hand-written letters.  Our mother writes them often.  We have never received a birthday card that simply holds a check and, under the Hallmark greeting,  "Best Wishes, Love Mom".  She always writes about her life and asks specifically about yours, occasionally adding a joke.  She used to tuck notes inside my suitcase each time I left for college.  One time going so far as to stuff in a pair of warm boots I was leaving behind but she worried I'd need (and obviously insisted I bring). Inside one boot was a cheerful note that ended with her favorite line .... "Never say No to your Mama!"

 I am relishing my walks and talks with a friend who lost her mother this spring.  As she and her siblings sort through belongings in the family home, they are savoring the letters kept and stored that share anecdotes about their growing up days, that underscore the love between their parents and their families, that fill in holes, that bring solace.  And, it seems, it is these letters written on paper, sent in envelopes, that are more valuable than the antique furniture and the house full of collected treasures.

In this age of texting and emails, in this day of going paper-less, I wonder how we will capture the feel and touch and even smell of a hand-written letter.  And I wonder what our children and grandchildren are receiving or seeing modeled in the way of hand-written letters.  Child therapist, Brenna Hicks, leads a Child-Parent Relationship Training in which parents are assigned to write three letters to their children in three weeks. She touts the values of both encouraging your children to write letters and writing letters to them.

Yeah, yeah, letter writing takes time. But just think how totally focused you are on that person you are writing to while penning that letter.  Somehow, that love and energy must travel to them with the letter, don't you think?

Each year on their birthdays, I give my grandchildren a letter I have written about the past year of their lives - the fun memories, the sillies, the things they said, did and learned, my thoughts and feelings about them. They are not crazy about this gift now, but I am hopeful that one day they will look back and read the lot and enjoy them.  And, if it goes out with the wrapping, I have saved and backed-up an electronic copy - a very nice bennie of this day and age!

I wish I had written a letter to each of my children on their birthdays through the years. Retirement and grand-parenting bring new perspectives.... and a great deal more time.

I wonder about the day my children will sort through the belongings in our home.  Will they choose to download the contents of the discs and thumb-drives they find in the cupboards and drawers?  Will blogs be my generation's box of hand-written letters?  hmmmm.....

If all the mailbox is going to hold is junk mail, you might as well have fun fetching it!

SUMMERTIME THINGS-TO-DO LIST

Summertime ....  What will fill your days?  Swim lessons?  Music camp?  Bike rides?  Lemonade stands?   BOOKS?

Just in time for our summer reading pleasure is the Association for Library Service to Children's 2012 list of Notable Children's Books .   My experience from all those years in public schools and at my local library have convinced me these librarians know what they are talking about.  Seems there are plenty of fluffy-stuff-books for kids out there.  Our children deserve the best.  Who better than these wise folks at our libraries that spend their days surrounded by kid-lit and watching young people respond to literature to give us guidance?   Check out the list.  You might just find your favorite kid's new go-to book!

Why add books to your Summertime Things-To-Do list?

• they make you think and wonder and smile (and sometimes cry)
• they're free at the library
• they're a great buy at garage sales
• they can be enjoyed with others or by oneself
• they teach you a bundle of new words
• they don't break
• they aren't made of plastic (at least most of them)
• they make one's imagination grow BIG
• they are perfect for a rainy day
• they are a quiet activity (unless you act them out which would be tons of fun)

AND ......

• they help you fall asleep

As you can see, this little guy loves things with wheels. He already has that wonderful winner from the ALSC list Goodnight, Goodnight, Construction Site by Sherri Duskey Rinker .
His other love is DOGS.  Am headed out for A Ball for Daisy by Chris Raschka.  It's a wordless book and the description on the ALSC list intrigued me as did the NPR interview with Raschka.

Today I am wondering what books you will be enjoying with your kids and grandkids  this summer.   

HOW DO YOU SNUGGLE WITH AN E-BOOK?

OK -- I know I am in my 60's and I know that I did not grow up surrounded by the edge of electronics guiding my every step and purchase, but is there anything more satisfying than a child snuggled up with a good book?  And I mean the real paper kind with pages to turn, pictures to sink into, parts that pop-up, and places to scratch and sniff?

And I know I am in my 60's (and so have more time for this) , but for me what's even better than a child snuggled with a book,  is when that child is snuggled with an adult to share it with!  Can an electronic book ask the child, "What do you think is going to happen next"?  Can it giggle along with the child at the crazy characters and funny pictures?  Does it build the same level of confidence and creativity in that child as when they hear that adult they love pretend to be the character in the story?   I am not wondering about this today; I am flat out thinking there is just NO way e-books can compare to paper books when it comes to kid lit!

Don't get me wrong, many of my friends love their e-readers.  My 97 year old Mom can still enjoy reading because her e-reader makes the font large enough that her eyes don't tire ... and I love that.  But when it comes to kids and books, I say it's time we surround them with the paper kind,  snuggle with them and giggle, and lift the flaps, and scratch and sniff, and wonder together what will happen next.

I have baby showers and kid birthdays coming up ..... I am off to the book store...my local independent one.

NEXT TIME I GET SCARED .....

At a mother's day gathering last week, a friend told a story that I want to remember the next time I get really scared or start to head toward catastrophe mode.

Last January her relatives were aboard that ill-fated Italian cruise ship that ran aground and sank off the Tuscan coast.  When ship personnel made an announcement for passengers to return to or stay in their cabins, the dad instead hustled his daughters into life jackets and got them to the side of the ship where they each climbed down a very long rope ladder into a lifeboat below.  While descending, the six year old's loose tooth came out.  She held it in her mouth while she worked herself down the seventy feet of swaying rope ladder.

I love her response when the adults in her life learned of this and asked her about it ..... I wanted the tooth fairy to come and visit me!


For some of us it takes a good deal of effort to focus on the good and exciting things that surround us or are coming our way on an average day. But in the face of that much fear and chaos?

How did she keep her focus on something so delightful as a magical night-time visitor?  I wonder.
And I hope that Tooth Fairy was generous!

HAPPY (?) BIRTHDAY

The birthday celebration had all the happy trappings .... delicious food, a pretty cake, chocolate icing, gifts, loved ones, a word-learning toddler repeating "Happy .... Happy .... Happy .... Happy" in a sing-songy voice from his chocolate covered mouth and a five year old who had proudly placed each pink candle in her mom's cake before they were lit!

Then a birthday toast to the beautiful mother of these children.  Eyes glistened with emotion for a moment.  Then the quiet was broken by the ever observant five year old saying, "I didn't know a birthday was like this."

How do you explain that Happy has layers,  just like the birthday cake?

 I wonder.

MAKE YOURSELF PROUD!

Last Sunday another message blared boldly and colorfully from my five year old grand-daughter's T-shirt. Another reason I wanted to hug her .... and the person who created that shirt... and the person who gave her that shirt.

I wonder what our days would be like if we started them by asking ourselves, "What am I going to do today to make myself proud?"
Or ended them by asking ourselves, "What did I do to make myself feel proud today?"
I wonder if the answers would shine a stunningly bright light on what we value?

And I wonder too how it might impact our children and grandchildren if we asked them what makes them feel proud at dinner each night.

Perhaps there is a partial answer to that last wondering in my grand-daughter's response when I asked her what she had done that day that made her feel proud of herself......

"I have never answered this hard of a question before!"

SOLUTION FOCUSED!

My good friend recently had her old windows replaced.  It was going to be a big job for the crew coming in to do the job. She was a bit worried about how it all would go.

At one point, she came into her kitchen to find one of the workers half inside and half outside the large window over her sink.  The casement was entirely removed and there were shavings strewn about.  The new window was set aside.
"Oh, you've got a problem," she said to him.
His response was direct and strong, "I don't see problems; I see solutions."

I love that response.  I wonder what it would take for more of us to reframe our thinking .... to be solution focused?  Aren't children innately that way?  Where does it go?  How do we get it back?  How do we help our children stay solution focused as they grow?
That's what I'm wondering about today.

BeNice.com

OK ---- I could give all sorts of excuses, but they all would be just that ---excuses.  There is NO good reason why I have not posted since November.  It is not as if there weren't plenty of opportunities to witness kids DOING what is RIGHT, or being COURAGEOUS. I am also sure many fabulous folks were out there teaching our kids about INTEGRITY.   But what kick-started me in the direction of this blog again was seeing my wonderful five year old grand-daughter wearing a T-shirt that said in big, fat pink letters "BE NICE"!

I want a shirt that says that!  I want to start a new blog called BE NICE dot COM!  I want it to get a million hits an hour.  I want people lined up to buy those shirts like they line up to buy tickets to The Hunger Games!

 OR ...... I would settle for none of that as long as our kids and grandkids could start seeing everyone around them simply being NICE.  What would it take?  I wonder.

Time and Experiences or Things and Stuff

I traveled almost all of September. I travelled a bit more in October and spent the rest of it regrouping from my travels.   I loved all that travel time and its opportunities for adventuring, experiencing, thinking, connecting and growing.

Now as the holidays approach, the idea of Things creep in.  Time becomes frantic as we prepare Things to give or do or eat or send.  I love the holiday time but want more Time and Experiences and fewer Things and Stuff.  And especially for (and with)  the children in my life.

So I'm wondering ..... If we want our children and grandchildren to have adventures and experiences that make them think and connect and grow, why do we buy and wrap up and give so many Things rather than gifting them with Time together experiencing the zoo, the park, live theater, a concert, a board game or a good book?


With the holiday hype, this is sometimes hard for me to remember and practice.  Am hoping the fresh and priceless memories of my September Time and Experiences along with my memories of spending more time hiding out in the cardboard box the toy came in than with the toy itself will fuel me.

AT- PROMISE!

The hardest part of being a retired educator is missing the kids .... and the exhilarating high that comes along with the vibrant dance of teaching kids and being taught by them. So I love hearing from or running into former students and learning what they are up to.  Last week, Gina, a wonderful woman who is now a social worker at a middle school in NYC wrote to me remembering her own middle school years - I was her seventh grade core teacher so we spent the bulk of each school day together that year.  She was and is delightful, so I am thrilled she is an educator touching kids' lives.

We conversed about what her role as a social worker in a middle school entails, the dynamics of middle school education, the complexities of the middle school student, charter schools vs public schools, etc.  When I asked about her students, she wrote about a prof she had while doing her Social Work grad studies who hated the term AT-RISK, and was working to have it replaced by AT-PROMISE.   Wow! That new language is so much about abundance vs scarcity.  Haven't these youth already had enough scarcity in their lives? I admire that prof and will join him or her in reframing the old term into the new one. Perhaps you will join me.

Gina went on .... I feel incredibly lucky to have found a school where children are universally valued and everyone is working as hard as they can to ensure that our kids are successful not only academically but socially and emotionally. It is an honor to be able to participate in the lives of our kids and our families and feels like an enormous responsibility at times. I feel very very lucky.


What a perfect combo ---- an educator so full of promise paired with At-Promise students!  Thanks for the lesson, Gina!