Turn to WONDER .....

When the going gets rough, turn to wonder...

WONDER = being open to learning and seeing with "soft eyes".  WONDER = turning from reaction and judgment to curiosity and compassionate inquiry.  

This was one of the seven touchstones we used to guide our work when I was blessed years ago to participate in the work of Parker Palmer through The Courage to Teach program (now the Center of Courage and Renewal ).  And I carry that precept with me every day because I need to.

Turning to wonder is hard for me.   I tend to go to judgement ... or explanation or even fixing.   It takes intentionality and practice for me to wonder compassionately about why someone is speaking or behaving a certain way (especially when I get my dander up).   And it takes even more intention to turn inward and wonder why I am reacting the way I am!!

Writing for children makes me curious about new kids' books on the market.  This past year the buzz around the middle grade fiction book Wonder by R.J. Palacio grabbed my attention.  Besides, I LOVED the title!

It's been sitting in the stack.  I finally got to it last week and met August Pullman.  Ten years old.

My name is August. I won't describe what I look like. Whatever you're thinking, it's probably worse.

August Pullman wants to be an ordinary ten-year-old. He does ordinary things. He eats ice cream. He plays on his Xbox. He feels ordinary - inside.  But he was born with severe facial abnormalities.

Yes, there have been books like this out there for some time. But R. J. Palacio nails the nuances of kids, and cliques and bullying and acceptance and appearance and being mean and being nice... and in the process, teaches all of us about turning to wonder. 

I want you to read it.  And especially if you have kids or grandkids or a classroom or a family,  I want you to read it out loud and talk  about it.  I want  more teachers to put "Mr. Browne's Precepts" or their own precepts on their classroom white boards each month....

 When given the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind  --- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Your deeds are your monuments --- inscription on an Egyptian tomb

I want more teachers to ask their students to come up with their own precepts and have them talk about why they chose it and how it impacts their life.

I obviously loved this book .... it is a WONDER of a book!  For me, it shouts out loud that precept I both embrace and struggle to uphold...

When the going gets rough, turn to wonder.

A Hat-Tip to Teachers!

This week I am not wondering, I flat-out know that my hat is off to TEACHERS!

They've been busy lately ….. on these weeks that precede the Labor Day weekend….

• putting up bulletin boards
• creating colorful doorways and welcoming signs
• inventorying supplies 
• re-stocking their classrooms
• organizing, organizing, organizing
• collaborating with colleagues
• meeting new staff
• taking student leaders on retreat to plan for the year
• dreaming those nightmares where they oversleep on the first day of school
• sighing at class lists that well exceed thirty
• finding enough desks 
• wondering where the summer went
• planning, planning, and planning some more
• hoping the weather isn't too hot those first few weeks back

but behind all this busyness…. and the worrying, wondering and thinking…. is their biggest gift …. their heart for kids…. translation...

• their deep belief that all kids can succeed
• their work ethic that keeps them trying and holding on even when the needs are so daunting
• their willingness and ability to be flexible 
• their way of always looking for good intentions
• their salary measured by the smiles, the aha's, the small forward steps and little successes
• their patience with setbacks, endless demands, and a culture that puts so much blame on the schools
• their enthusiasm and willingness to be creative, adventuresome and silly
• the energy they get from kids
• their joy when students step up

I am grateful for teachers and their heart for kids.

I know their hearts will be broken open many times during this school year.  I hope that most of the time it is due to deep JOY.

BEAST MODE …..  what about that label?

Seahawks fever is bursting thermometers here in the Pacific Northwest.  Even those of us who are rather blasé about the sport, and feel much of the culture surrounding it is unhealthy have tuned in a bit.

 Marshawn Lynch, one of the Seattle team's star running backs, is beast like in his strength and power on the field.  The fans have tagged him and his moves with the term, Beast Mode.  The Urban Dictionary defines Beast Mode as,
   " A hype, energetic, outgoing, wilding-out state of mind."  A second definition reads "Superhuman state of being in which animal instincts take over mind and body."

Our three year old grandson is energetic and outgoing. In fact,  sometimes his energy explodes into what you could call a 'wilding-out' state of mind.  He loves to talk in a guttural roar and there are times it seems animal instincts have taken over his body even when he isn't pretending to be a tiger or lion or bear.  He gives us immeasurable joy and abundant smiles.

For Christmas he received a toddler-sized Seahawks t-shirt with BEAST MODE emblazoned across the front.  The perfect gift, we all thought.

Now, if you have followed this blog at all, you know I notice T-shirts and what they are saying.  My grand-daughter's Be Nice shirt plus her Make Yourself Proud shirt have both prompted wondering that turned into posts.

Not sure the Beast Mode shirt would have had that same effect until my husband and I were driving home from the holiday gatherings.  When I commented on the hilarity around the Beast Mode t-shirt, my always-thinking and often-wise husband said he hoped we were not sticking our adorable Mr. G with a tightly adhesive label. Oh sheesh …. really?  I wanted to dismiss that as phooey …. and yet I kept wondering about it.

Could we potentially miss out on the sweet and tender side of this boy if he learns to conform to the behaviors associated with the label we have given him?  Could it even direct or script the path in life he chooses to lead?   I know….pretty strong stuff to lay on one little T-shirt,  and possibly very unlikely, but worth at least wondering about, I think.  Are there other things we are saying to or around this young boy that he is taking in.  How careful do we have to be?

Child psychologist, Brenna Hicks, reminds us on her blog, The Kid Counselor, to keep in mind the implications even harmless labels can have, especially on our children, in regard to their self-esteem, behavior and developing personalities.

She reminds us about families with children who have been officially diagnosed with an emotional, behavioral or mental disorder who have learned the power of labeling and know the hard work involved in helping their child live beyond that defining label.

She suggests we think carefully about the impact of labels and recommends we give intentional thought to the words we choose if we must define certain things about our children for ourselves or others.

      "….try to choose positive versions of the same trait, i.e. "spirited" rather than "hyper", "cautious" instead of "timid".

It makes sense.  It takes work and intention.  Our children and grandchildren are worth it.

Recently, I saw a photo of a child holding a sign with these words, Please don't label me.  Let me grow up and choose for myself.   Maybe someone can find a way to fit that message on a child size T-shirt.

 In the meantime, GO HAWKS!

Hey, Sweet Kid, you got a hand-written LETTER in the MAIL!

"She's getting confirmed," he told me.  "Would you write her a letter?"

I don't see my niece nearly as often as I would like.  She lives many states away. But still, I love her to pieces. Of course, I would write to her.

It took too long to get the letter off - I wanted it to reflect that I'd read and thought over what she wrote about taking this step in her life.  But once it was complete, I mailed it to her - in an envelope with a stamp - then emailed the gist of it to my brother.  Divorce has them living apart.

He replied with his thanks and his thoughts and this ....
"She'll read it .... and remember it .... and treasure it in the years to come.  That means thousands more to her (and to me) than a card with a $10 check in it that says ....
'Congratulations on your confirmation'."

Then he challenged me to "wonder" about letter writing on my blog someday.

He and I both know, I think, why we value hand-written letters.  Our mother writes them often.  We have never received a birthday card that simply holds a check and, under the Hallmark greeting,  "Best Wishes, Love Mom".  She always writes about her life and asks specifically about yours, occasionally adding a joke.  She used to tuck notes inside my suitcase each time I left for college.  One time going so far as to stuff in a pair of warm boots I was leaving behind but she worried I'd need (and obviously insisted I bring). Inside one boot was a cheerful note that ended with her favorite line .... "Never say No to your Mama!"

 I am relishing my walks and talks with a friend who lost her mother this spring.  As she and her siblings sort through belongings in the family home, they are savoring the letters kept and stored that share anecdotes about their growing up days, that underscore the love between their parents and their families, that fill in holes, that bring solace.  And, it seems, it is these letters written on paper, sent in envelopes, that are more valuable than the antique furniture and the house full of collected treasures.

In this age of texting and emails, in this day of going paper-less, I wonder how we will capture the feel and touch and even smell of a hand-written letter.  And I wonder what our children and grandchildren are receiving or seeing modeled in the way of hand-written letters.  Child therapist, Brenna Hicks, leads a Child-Parent Relationship Training in which parents are assigned to write three letters to their children in three weeks. She touts the values of both encouraging your children to write letters and writing letters to them.

Yeah, yeah, letter writing takes time. But just think how totally focused you are on that person you are writing to while penning that letter.  Somehow, that love and energy must travel to them with the letter, don't you think?

Each year on their birthdays, I give my grandchildren a letter I have written about the past year of their lives - the fun memories, the sillies, the things they said, did and learned, my thoughts and feelings about them. They are not crazy about this gift now, but I am hopeful that one day they will look back and read the lot and enjoy them.  And, if it goes out with the wrapping, I have saved and backed-up an electronic copy - a very nice bennie of this day and age!

I wish I had written a letter to each of my children on their birthdays through the years. Retirement and grand-parenting bring new perspectives.... and a great deal more time.

I wonder about the day my children will sort through the belongings in our home.  Will they choose to download the contents of the discs and thumb-drives they find in the cupboards and drawers?  Will blogs be my generation's box of hand-written letters?  hmmmm.....

If all the mailbox is going to hold is junk mail, you might as well have fun fetching it!

SUMMERTIME THINGS-TO-DO LIST

Summertime ....  What will fill your days?  Swim lessons?  Music camp?  Bike rides?  Lemonade stands?   BOOKS?

Just in time for our summer reading pleasure is the Association for Library Service to Children's 2012 list of Notable Children's Books .   My experience from all those years in public schools and at my local library have convinced me these librarians know what they are talking about.  Seems there are plenty of fluffy-stuff-books for kids out there.  Our children deserve the best.  Who better than these wise folks at our libraries that spend their days surrounded by kid-lit and watching young people respond to literature to give us guidance?   Check out the list.  You might just find your favorite kid's new go-to book!

Why add books to your Summertime Things-To-Do list?

• they make you think and wonder and smile (and sometimes cry)
• they're free at the library
• they're a great buy at garage sales
• they can be enjoyed with others or by oneself
• they teach you a bundle of new words
• they don't break
• they aren't made of plastic (at least most of them)
• they make one's imagination grow BIG
• they are perfect for a rainy day
• they are a quiet activity (unless you act them out which would be tons of fun)

AND ......

• they help you fall asleep

As you can see, this little guy loves things with wheels. He already has that wonderful winner from the ALSC list Goodnight, Goodnight, Construction Site by Sherri Duskey Rinker .
His other love is DOGS.  Am headed out for A Ball for Daisy by Chris Raschka.  It's a wordless book and the description on the ALSC list intrigued me as did the NPR interview with Raschka.

Today I am wondering what books you will be enjoying with your kids and grandkids  this summer.   

HOW DO YOU SNUGGLE WITH AN E-BOOK?

OK -- I know I am in my 60's and I know that I did not grow up surrounded by the edge of electronics guiding my every step and purchase, but is there anything more satisfying than a child snuggled up with a good book?  And I mean the real paper kind with pages to turn, pictures to sink into, parts that pop-up, and places to scratch and sniff?

And I know I am in my 60's (and so have more time for this) , but for me what's even better than a child snuggled with a book,  is when that child is snuggled with an adult to share it with!  Can an electronic book ask the child, "What do you think is going to happen next"?  Can it giggle along with the child at the crazy characters and funny pictures?  Does it build the same level of confidence and creativity in that child as when they hear that adult they love pretend to be the character in the story?   I am not wondering about this today; I am flat out thinking there is just NO way e-books can compare to paper books when it comes to kid lit!

Don't get me wrong, many of my friends love their e-readers.  My 97 year old Mom can still enjoy reading because her e-reader makes the font large enough that her eyes don't tire ... and I love that.  But when it comes to kids and books, I say it's time we surround them with the paper kind,  snuggle with them and giggle, and lift the flaps, and scratch and sniff, and wonder together what will happen next.

I have baby showers and kid birthdays coming up ..... I am off to the book store...my local independent one.

NEXT TIME I GET SCARED .....

At a mother's day gathering last week, a friend told a story that I want to remember the next time I get really scared or start to head toward catastrophe mode.

Last January her relatives were aboard that ill-fated Italian cruise ship that ran aground and sank off the Tuscan coast.  When ship personnel made an announcement for passengers to return to or stay in their cabins, the dad instead hustled his daughters into life jackets and got them to the side of the ship where they each climbed down a very long rope ladder into a lifeboat below.  While descending, the six year old's loose tooth came out.  She held it in her mouth while she worked herself down the seventy feet of swaying rope ladder.

I love her response when the adults in her life learned of this and asked her about it ..... I wanted the tooth fairy to come and visit me!


For some of us it takes a good deal of effort to focus on the good and exciting things that surround us or are coming our way on an average day. But in the face of that much fear and chaos?

How did she keep her focus on something so delightful as a magical night-time visitor?  I wonder.
And I hope that Tooth Fairy was generous!

MAKE YOURSELF PROUD!

Last Sunday another message blared boldly and colorfully from my five year old grand-daughter's T-shirt. Another reason I wanted to hug her .... and the person who created that shirt... and the person who gave her that shirt.

I wonder what our days would be like if we started them by asking ourselves, "What am I going to do today to make myself proud?"
Or ended them by asking ourselves, "What did I do to make myself feel proud today?"
I wonder if the answers would shine a stunningly bright light on what we value?

And I wonder too how it might impact our children and grandchildren if we asked them what makes them feel proud at dinner each night.

Perhaps there is a partial answer to that last wondering in my grand-daughter's response when I asked her what she had done that day that made her feel proud of herself......

"I have never answered this hard of a question before!"

SOLUTION FOCUSED!

My good friend recently had her old windows replaced.  It was going to be a big job for the crew coming in to do the job. She was a bit worried about how it all would go.

At one point, she came into her kitchen to find one of the workers half inside and half outside the large window over her sink.  The casement was entirely removed and there were shavings strewn about.  The new window was set aside.
"Oh, you've got a problem," she said to him.
His response was direct and strong, "I don't see problems; I see solutions."

I love that response.  I wonder what it would take for more of us to reframe our thinking .... to be solution focused?  Aren't children innately that way?  Where does it go?  How do we get it back?  How do we help our children stay solution focused as they grow?
That's what I'm wondering about today.

BeNice.com

OK ---- I could give all sorts of excuses, but they all would be just that ---excuses.  There is NO good reason why I have not posted since November.  It is not as if there weren't plenty of opportunities to witness kids DOING what is RIGHT, or being COURAGEOUS. I am also sure many fabulous folks were out there teaching our kids about INTEGRITY.   But what kick-started me in the direction of this blog again was seeing my wonderful five year old grand-daughter wearing a T-shirt that said in big, fat pink letters "BE NICE"!

I want a shirt that says that!  I want to start a new blog called BE NICE dot COM!  I want it to get a million hits an hour.  I want people lined up to buy those shirts like they line up to buy tickets to The Hunger Games!

 OR ...... I would settle for none of that as long as our kids and grandkids could start seeing everyone around them simply being NICE.  What would it take?  I wonder.

Time and Experiences or Things and Stuff

I traveled almost all of September. I travelled a bit more in October and spent the rest of it regrouping from my travels.   I loved all that travel time and its opportunities for adventuring, experiencing, thinking, connecting and growing.

Now as the holidays approach, the idea of Things creep in.  Time becomes frantic as we prepare Things to give or do or eat or send.  I love the holiday time but want more Time and Experiences and fewer Things and Stuff.  And especially for (and with)  the children in my life.

So I'm wondering ..... If we want our children and grandchildren to have adventures and experiences that make them think and connect and grow, why do we buy and wrap up and give so many Things rather than gifting them with Time together experiencing the zoo, the park, live theater, a concert, a board game or a good book?


With the holiday hype, this is sometimes hard for me to remember and practice.  Am hoping the fresh and priceless memories of my September Time and Experiences along with my memories of spending more time hiding out in the cardboard box the toy came in than with the toy itself will fuel me.

AT- PROMISE!

The hardest part of being a retired educator is missing the kids .... and the exhilarating high that comes along with the vibrant dance of teaching kids and being taught by them. So I love hearing from or running into former students and learning what they are up to.  Last week, Gina, a wonderful woman who is now a social worker at a middle school in NYC wrote to me remembering her own middle school years - I was her seventh grade core teacher so we spent the bulk of each school day together that year.  She was and is delightful, so I am thrilled she is an educator touching kids' lives.

We conversed about what her role as a social worker in a middle school entails, the dynamics of middle school education, the complexities of the middle school student, charter schools vs public schools, etc.  When I asked about her students, she wrote about a prof she had while doing her Social Work grad studies who hated the term AT-RISK, and was working to have it replaced by AT-PROMISE.   Wow! That new language is so much about abundance vs scarcity.  Haven't these youth already had enough scarcity in their lives? I admire that prof and will join him or her in reframing the old term into the new one. Perhaps you will join me.

Gina went on .... I feel incredibly lucky to have found a school where children are universally valued and everyone is working as hard as they can to ensure that our kids are successful not only academically but socially and emotionally. It is an honor to be able to participate in the lives of our kids and our families and feels like an enormous responsibility at times. I feel very very lucky.


What a perfect combo ---- an educator so full of promise paired with At-Promise students!  Thanks for the lesson, Gina!

Feeling safe ... it's CRITICAL!

For 34 years I taught middle school and high school age youth in public and private schools. I LOVED that job.  But it was tough to watch adolescents struggle to survive emotionally in the venue of a public school amid this fast paced American culture.  I learned that if I was going to ask kids to believe in themselves, to stretch and take risks, to work hard to a high standard,  the classroom had to ALWAYS feel safe.  Never could a student fear a smirk, or rolling eyes or a put-down from another. I could not ask these students to take risks if they thought there was even the slightest chance that someone might mock them. EVERYONE had to be valued, ALL the time.

 Every September with new classes of students, we would spend the first weeks talking about what it would take for each of us to make this work.  For those first few weeks, I had to be highly vigilant in monitoring respectful, courageous behavior, reinforcing it, talking about it when we slipped up.  Once that was the clear and non-negotiable norm, we could put the achievement bar way up high.  The safety we felt translated into high achievement.

Now I am retired.  I am a grandmother.  I am thinking in new ways.  I am also concerned in new ways.  

Where do our children and youth find models of integrity and courage to follow?  Where do they find the guts to step out of the bystander role when they witness unkindness or injustice? When will our media and our literature shine a light on kids who do this .... and adults who model and teach this?

My desire to see these values reflected in books and our society has led me to write for kids and start this blog for educators, parents and anyone else who might happen upon it.  It's risky for me.  But I'm  trying to believe that no one is rolling their eyes or smirking at my efforts.

A Posture of Pride

I love it when a child feels proud.  When their self-love is so full and big it shows in the way they walk and stand and look at you!  I want to bottle it and give it to them when they are a pre-teen or teenager....when the culture has somehow done a whammy on them and their posture has often changed from “LOOK AT ME!” to “Don’t you dare look at me.”

I wonder what it would take for our 10-18 year olds to be able to throw their heads up and back and swing their arms and say “Look at me” and truly believe that no matter their size, or race, the clothes they wear, who they love, or the talents they possess …… that they are just as wonderful, worthy, and lovable as they were when they were two and three and four.

Five and under = FREE!

 " Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you."         Robert Fulghum

Being one of five children in a family on a tight budget, I grew up wearing my sister’s hand-me-downs and waiting my turn for the bike we shared. I learned about want vs need, taking care of what you have, sharing and being thankful.

I also had the opportunity to learn about cost saving of another variety. Always small for my age, at six, seven and even eight years old, I easily passed for five. Family vacations found us in ticket lines at fairs and national parks. I clearly remember the signs advertising Five and Under = Free! As our family of seven arrived at the ticket window, I also remember Dad saying to the person in the ticket booth, “Two adults and three children.” My younger brother was the only one under five, but I knew better than to say anything.

This didn’t seem all that wrong to me when I was young. That is, until I married a man to whom honesty is ALWAYS what you live by. If the waitress forgets to add the dessert to our bill, if the clerk undercharges us, he ALWAYS rights that mistake. And I hate to admit that I still struggle to tell a store clerk she’s undercharged me imagining how nice it would be to have that extra savings.

My Dad was a wonderful man and our family holds a very deep and dear place for me, but it makes me think about what we teach our children each day – both subtly and intentionally.

Kid Courage

steep terrain ....

He can jump into the pool from the diving board.  She can pet the scary dog.  He can speak in front of the whole class …… they are so brave.

But what about the children who can tell the truth even when their parent or teacher might get angry or be disappointed in them? What about the kid who can speak up to his friends who are not treating others nicely?

Isn’t that courage too? And perhaps even a bigger kind?  The kind that can come with ostracism and loneliness vs accolades and attaboys.  Do we teach that kind of courage? Do we recognize and honor that kind of courage ?