Licking and Grooming - Not just for Rats - PART TWO

So summer is here and the days are crazy…. and not nearly as lazy as I would like.  But I did finish the book (Paul Tough's How Children Succeed - Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character) whose beginning pages inspired the last Licking and Grooming post.

I am always looking for examples of kids (or adults for that matter)  displaying strong character.  I enjoy conversing about what it is, exactly.  I am fascinated with how we teach it …. or don't.  I am dismayed that there are so few opportunities for our young people to see it modeled by the celebrities or government leaders or corporate heads who grab the headlines. I wonder why we don't  talk about it more.  Is it something we shy away from because we feel there is a moral component to it that should be left to our religious institutions?  Or perhaps we fear it comes laden with judgement about how to best parent?

So I was absorbed in  Paul Tough's book and it  didn't disappoint.  But I have to admit I was hoping for an answer to fix the problems that seem so rampant in our country ….. simple ways we could help kids develop Character - especially those around us who grow up in poverty and within families where survival takes precedence over and time away from nurturing - licking and grooming.  And they are there, but it is NOT simple.

 on page 191 of his book Paul Tough asks ...
       What can we as a country do to significantly improve the life chances of millions of poor children?
(I think the guy's last name is apropos)

And this question comes after he has shared the daunting statistics about the number of people in poverty (40% of American families according to our country's Education Department)  and the dysfunctional pipeline that those living in poverty must maneuver …. overcrowded medicaid clinics, social service and child-welfare offices and hospital ER clinics.   A school system that often steers them into special ed, remedial classes or alternative schools.  And outside school?  A broken system of foster homes, juvenile detention and probation officers.  In Tough's words, "an extremely expensive system, wildly inefficient and has a low success rate."

So I was getting rather dismayed.  Especially since so much of my work as an educator has been with middle school and high school age young people and if they missed out on Licking and Grooming and nurturing (i.e. support) when they were young, are they doomed to be those 'throw-away kids'?   And to make things worse,  Tough suggests one way of looking at character is how it "functions as a substitute for the social safety net that students who come from [affluence] enjoy - the support from their families and schools and culture that protects them from the consequences of occasional detours …  mistakes and bad decisions."  He also says that  low income kids need more grit, more social intelligence, more self control than wealthier kids.  CRAP ---- there is NOTHING SIMPLE ABOUT THIS!

At this point, I came close to stashing the book in the bedside drawer and getting out a steamy summer romance novel.  After all, I am only one older retired lady without an endless cash stream!

But then I went back to my dog-eared pages and re-read the highlights….

• about how researchers and school-reformers have found that being a successful human is not just about IQ and doing well on tests and that the most critical missing piece is character.
• that many people think character is something innate …a core set of attributes, but researchers (Seligman and Peterson) suggest character skills can be learned, practiced and taught at any age.
• that a researcher at Penn (Duckworth) did a study where she found that students' self-discipline scores from the previous fall were better predictors of their final GPAs than their IQ scores.
• that there are schools where students actually accumulate a CPA (character point average) along with their GPA (Kipp).   Hmmm --- what could that mean for those hiring?

So I came away grateful for this book and for all the schools and researchers who are studying this and making concrete and quantifiable what has been so abstract.  I am grateful for the new and hard work that is being done to help kids succeed.

But I still wonder …. what can I do?  Especially to support those kids who fall below the poverty line and who might not have had that L an G nurturing when they were young.    Paul Tough has an answer for me ….

       "…when children reach early adolescence, what motivates them most effectively isn't licking and grooming-style care but a very different kind of attention….the unexpected experience of someone taking them seriously, believing in their abilities, and challenging them to improve themselves."

Can't we all do that?  In big or little ways, can't we seek out kids who need us to do this for and with them?

 It is simple after all.

MAKE YOURSELF PROUD!

Last Sunday another message blared boldly and colorfully from my five year old grand-daughter's T-shirt. Another reason I wanted to hug her .... and the person who created that shirt... and the person who gave her that shirt.

I wonder what our days would be like if we started them by asking ourselves, "What am I going to do today to make myself proud?"
Or ended them by asking ourselves, "What did I do to make myself feel proud today?"
I wonder if the answers would shine a stunningly bright light on what we value?

And I wonder too how it might impact our children and grandchildren if we asked them what makes them feel proud at dinner each night.

Perhaps there is a partial answer to that last wondering in my grand-daughter's response when I asked her what she had done that day that made her feel proud of herself......

"I have never answered this hard of a question before!"

SOLUTION FOCUSED!

My good friend recently had her old windows replaced.  It was going to be a big job for the crew coming in to do the job. She was a bit worried about how it all would go.

At one point, she came into her kitchen to find one of the workers half inside and half outside the large window over her sink.  The casement was entirely removed and there were shavings strewn about.  The new window was set aside.
"Oh, you've got a problem," she said to him.
His response was direct and strong, "I don't see problems; I see solutions."

I love that response.  I wonder what it would take for more of us to reframe our thinking .... to be solution focused?  Aren't children innately that way?  Where does it go?  How do we get it back?  How do we help our children stay solution focused as they grow?
That's what I'm wondering about today.

BeNice.com

OK ---- I could give all sorts of excuses, but they all would be just that ---excuses.  There is NO good reason why I have not posted since November.  It is not as if there weren't plenty of opportunities to witness kids DOING what is RIGHT, or being COURAGEOUS. I am also sure many fabulous folks were out there teaching our kids about INTEGRITY.   But what kick-started me in the direction of this blog again was seeing my wonderful five year old grand-daughter wearing a T-shirt that said in big, fat pink letters "BE NICE"!

I want a shirt that says that!  I want to start a new blog called BE NICE dot COM!  I want it to get a million hits an hour.  I want people lined up to buy those shirts like they line up to buy tickets to The Hunger Games!

 OR ...... I would settle for none of that as long as our kids and grandkids could start seeing everyone around them simply being NICE.  What would it take?  I wonder.

Time and Experiences or Things and Stuff

I traveled almost all of September. I travelled a bit more in October and spent the rest of it regrouping from my travels.   I loved all that travel time and its opportunities for adventuring, experiencing, thinking, connecting and growing.

Now as the holidays approach, the idea of Things creep in.  Time becomes frantic as we prepare Things to give or do or eat or send.  I love the holiday time but want more Time and Experiences and fewer Things and Stuff.  And especially for (and with)  the children in my life.

So I'm wondering ..... If we want our children and grandchildren to have adventures and experiences that make them think and connect and grow, why do we buy and wrap up and give so many Things rather than gifting them with Time together experiencing the zoo, the park, live theater, a concert, a board game or a good book?


With the holiday hype, this is sometimes hard for me to remember and practice.  Am hoping the fresh and priceless memories of my September Time and Experiences along with my memories of spending more time hiding out in the cardboard box the toy came in than with the toy itself will fuel me.

A Posture of Pride

I love it when a child feels proud.  When their self-love is so full and big it shows in the way they walk and stand and look at you!  I want to bottle it and give it to them when they are a pre-teen or teenager....when the culture has somehow done a whammy on them and their posture has often changed from “LOOK AT ME!” to “Don’t you dare look at me.”

I wonder what it would take for our 10-18 year olds to be able to throw their heads up and back and swing their arms and say “Look at me” and truly believe that no matter their size, or race, the clothes they wear, who they love, or the talents they possess …… that they are just as wonderful, worthy, and lovable as they were when they were two and three and four.