Dog Day Reads!!!

Each time I see one of these road-side libraries …. take a book or leave a book…. each exchange requiring nothing….motivated by a simple love of reading and books and sharing, I feel happy!  And this sweet one above gets the cupcake-with-cream-cheese-frosting-on-top prize.  I hope the wonderful someone or two on Lummi Island, Washington who created this are licking the frosting off their lips and fingertips.  A stain-glass window and driftwood handle …… WOW!

If you haven't read a good book or three to or with a child this summer, these Dog Days are the perfect time!  Get at it.

A good place to start is by checking out the Association of Library Service to Children's 2014 list of Notable Books.  This is always where I begin. They conveniently break their selections into four categories - Younger Reader (preschool to grade 2), Middle Readers (grades 3-5, ages 8-10), Older Readers (grades 6-8, ages 11-14), and All Ages (has appeal and interest for children in all the above age ranges).  These library specialists choose books of "commendable quality that exhibit venturesome creativity".  Doesn't venturesome creativity seem the perfect description for what kids should be up to in the summer?

Although you aren't likely to find any of the books on that list in the quaint road-side library in your neighborhood,  your public library or independent book store will surely have most of them.

We are taking our grandkids on a train trip for the next two days.  I hope this experience creates opportunities for venturesome creativity…. but I am headed to the library soon to have a few new books to tuck into our backpacks to insure that it does.

Happy Reading!  Happy Dog Days!

Licking and Grooming - Not just for Rats - PART TWO

So summer is here and the days are crazy…. and not nearly as lazy as I would like.  But I did finish the book (Paul Tough's How Children Succeed - Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character) whose beginning pages inspired the last Licking and Grooming post.

I am always looking for examples of kids (or adults for that matter)  displaying strong character.  I enjoy conversing about what it is, exactly.  I am fascinated with how we teach it …. or don't.  I am dismayed that there are so few opportunities for our young people to see it modeled by the celebrities or government leaders or corporate heads who grab the headlines. I wonder why we don't  talk about it more.  Is it something we shy away from because we feel there is a moral component to it that should be left to our religious institutions?  Or perhaps we fear it comes laden with judgement about how to best parent?

So I was absorbed in  Paul Tough's book and it  didn't disappoint.  But I have to admit I was hoping for an answer to fix the problems that seem so rampant in our country ….. simple ways we could help kids develop Character - especially those around us who grow up in poverty and within families where survival takes precedence over and time away from nurturing - licking and grooming.  And they are there, but it is NOT simple.

 on page 191 of his book Paul Tough asks ...
       What can we as a country do to significantly improve the life chances of millions of poor children?
(I think the guy's last name is apropos)

And this question comes after he has shared the daunting statistics about the number of people in poverty (40% of American families according to our country's Education Department)  and the dysfunctional pipeline that those living in poverty must maneuver …. overcrowded medicaid clinics, social service and child-welfare offices and hospital ER clinics.   A school system that often steers them into special ed, remedial classes or alternative schools.  And outside school?  A broken system of foster homes, juvenile detention and probation officers.  In Tough's words, "an extremely expensive system, wildly inefficient and has a low success rate."

So I was getting rather dismayed.  Especially since so much of my work as an educator has been with middle school and high school age young people and if they missed out on Licking and Grooming and nurturing (i.e. support) when they were young, are they doomed to be those 'throw-away kids'?   And to make things worse,  Tough suggests one way of looking at character is how it "functions as a substitute for the social safety net that students who come from [affluence] enjoy - the support from their families and schools and culture that protects them from the consequences of occasional detours …  mistakes and bad decisions."  He also says that  low income kids need more grit, more social intelligence, more self control than wealthier kids.  CRAP ---- there is NOTHING SIMPLE ABOUT THIS!

At this point, I came close to stashing the book in the bedside drawer and getting out a steamy summer romance novel.  After all, I am only one older retired lady without an endless cash stream!

But then I went back to my dog-eared pages and re-read the highlights….

• about how researchers and school-reformers have found that being a successful human is not just about IQ and doing well on tests and that the most critical missing piece is character.
• that many people think character is something innate …a core set of attributes, but researchers (Seligman and Peterson) suggest character skills can be learned, practiced and taught at any age.
• that a researcher at Penn (Duckworth) did a study where she found that students' self-discipline scores from the previous fall were better predictors of their final GPAs than their IQ scores.
• that there are schools where students actually accumulate a CPA (character point average) along with their GPA (Kipp).   Hmmm --- what could that mean for those hiring?

So I came away grateful for this book and for all the schools and researchers who are studying this and making concrete and quantifiable what has been so abstract.  I am grateful for the new and hard work that is being done to help kids succeed.

But I still wonder …. what can I do?  Especially to support those kids who fall below the poverty line and who might not have had that L an G nurturing when they were young.    Paul Tough has an answer for me ….

       "…when children reach early adolescence, what motivates them most effectively isn't licking and grooming-style care but a very different kind of attention….the unexpected experience of someone taking them seriously, believing in their abilities, and challenging them to improve themselves."

Can't we all do that?  In big or little ways, can't we seek out kids who need us to do this for and with them?

 It is simple after all.

BEAST MODE …..  what about that label?

Seahawks fever is bursting thermometers here in the Pacific Northwest.  Even those of us who are rather blasé about the sport, and feel much of the culture surrounding it is unhealthy have tuned in a bit.

 Marshawn Lynch, one of the Seattle team's star running backs, is beast like in his strength and power on the field.  The fans have tagged him and his moves with the term, Beast Mode.  The Urban Dictionary defines Beast Mode as,
   " A hype, energetic, outgoing, wilding-out state of mind."  A second definition reads "Superhuman state of being in which animal instincts take over mind and body."

Our three year old grandson is energetic and outgoing. In fact,  sometimes his energy explodes into what you could call a 'wilding-out' state of mind.  He loves to talk in a guttural roar and there are times it seems animal instincts have taken over his body even when he isn't pretending to be a tiger or lion or bear.  He gives us immeasurable joy and abundant smiles.

For Christmas he received a toddler-sized Seahawks t-shirt with BEAST MODE emblazoned across the front.  The perfect gift, we all thought.

Now, if you have followed this blog at all, you know I notice T-shirts and what they are saying.  My grand-daughter's Be Nice shirt plus her Make Yourself Proud shirt have both prompted wondering that turned into posts.

Not sure the Beast Mode shirt would have had that same effect until my husband and I were driving home from the holiday gatherings.  When I commented on the hilarity around the Beast Mode t-shirt, my always-thinking and often-wise husband said he hoped we were not sticking our adorable Mr. G with a tightly adhesive label. Oh sheesh …. really?  I wanted to dismiss that as phooey …. and yet I kept wondering about it.

Could we potentially miss out on the sweet and tender side of this boy if he learns to conform to the behaviors associated with the label we have given him?  Could it even direct or script the path in life he chooses to lead?   I know….pretty strong stuff to lay on one little T-shirt,  and possibly very unlikely, but worth at least wondering about, I think.  Are there other things we are saying to or around this young boy that he is taking in.  How careful do we have to be?

Child psychologist, Brenna Hicks, reminds us on her blog, The Kid Counselor, to keep in mind the implications even harmless labels can have, especially on our children, in regard to their self-esteem, behavior and developing personalities.

She reminds us about families with children who have been officially diagnosed with an emotional, behavioral or mental disorder who have learned the power of labeling and know the hard work involved in helping their child live beyond that defining label.

She suggests we think carefully about the impact of labels and recommends we give intentional thought to the words we choose if we must define certain things about our children for ourselves or others.

      "….try to choose positive versions of the same trait, i.e. "spirited" rather than "hyper", "cautious" instead of "timid".

It makes sense.  It takes work and intention.  Our children and grandchildren are worth it.

Recently, I saw a photo of a child holding a sign with these words, Please don't label me.  Let me grow up and choose for myself.   Maybe someone can find a way to fit that message on a child size T-shirt.

 In the meantime, GO HAWKS!

What does your face say FIRST ??

I am seeing a pattern here at courageouswonderings.blogspot.com..... like many things in the autumn season, my blog entries seem to dry up.  September is our month to travel; then we recoup and catch up half of Oct and soon we are on that slippery slope to and through the holidays.  It's not like I stop WONDERING.  It's the posting about that WONDERING that takes a hiatus.

Much of my fall wondering was inspired by Brene Brown's latest book, Daring Greatly.    Her subtitle clues us in to the content:  How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.  I found it challenging and provocative. I'd recommend her TED talk too.

The last chapter in Daring Greatly on Wholehearted Parenting had me cheering out-loud in places and quietly nodding my head in a silent Yes, Yes in others! On page 223 Brene Brown talks about one of the very best pieces of parenting advice she ever received.  It was via Toni Morrison on an Oprah show in May of 2000.  Brown writes:

"Ms. Morrison explained that it's interesting to watch what happens when a child walks 
into a room. [Morrison] asked,  'Does your face light up? ......When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up....You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you're caring for them. It's not.  When they see you, they see the critical face. What's wrong now?'  [Morrison's] advice was simple, but paradigm-shifting for me. She said, 'Let your face speak what's in your heart. When they walk in the room my face says I'm glad to see them. It's just as small as that, you see?'"

Brown tries to think about that advice literally every day and reminds us of this ...

"those first looks can be prerequisites or worthiness-builders.  I don't want to criticize when my kids walk in the room, I want to light up!"

As a grandparent,  I witness this first hand.  When our grandchildren walk in our door,  they seem to wait for us to lay our eyes on them expecting to see that look on our faces that must somehow match the joy in our hearts.  It's as if they know they bring us delight.  What an incredible feeling for anyone to experience - that your mere presence brings delight!

No doubt this is a common phenomenon when it comes to grandparents and grandkids. But suddenly, I am  feeling a need to send this to my thirty-something son and almost-thirty-something daughter as an apology for the many times my face FIRST said,  "Is your homework done? Are you really going to wear that? Did you wipe your feet? or Hurry up, we're late!"  Yes, some of that might need to come later, but I wish that FIRST, before any of that, my face would have said, I am so happy to see you!

Several months ago, over beer and pizza, I was telling my son about this fabulous book and specifically, this part of the last chapter.  His response was so wise. ( I love to think his wisdom is due to his great parenting, but actually, I think much of it has surfaced since he married his incredible wife!).

He simply said, "That's important to remember in ANY relationship."  

So, dear ones ---- spouse, family, colleagues, committee members, neighbors, friends, and especially the children .... watch my face when I first see you. I hope there is no expectation, prerequisite, "should" or judgement there. I hope it simply says, I am so happy to see you!  Here's to 2013!

Hey, Sweet Kid, you got a hand-written LETTER in the MAIL!

"She's getting confirmed," he told me.  "Would you write her a letter?"

I don't see my niece nearly as often as I would like.  She lives many states away. But still, I love her to pieces. Of course, I would write to her.

It took too long to get the letter off - I wanted it to reflect that I'd read and thought over what she wrote about taking this step in her life.  But once it was complete, I mailed it to her - in an envelope with a stamp - then emailed the gist of it to my brother.  Divorce has them living apart.

He replied with his thanks and his thoughts and this ....
"She'll read it .... and remember it .... and treasure it in the years to come.  That means thousands more to her (and to me) than a card with a $10 check in it that says ....
'Congratulations on your confirmation'."

Then he challenged me to "wonder" about letter writing on my blog someday.

He and I both know, I think, why we value hand-written letters.  Our mother writes them often.  We have never received a birthday card that simply holds a check and, under the Hallmark greeting,  "Best Wishes, Love Mom".  She always writes about her life and asks specifically about yours, occasionally adding a joke.  She used to tuck notes inside my suitcase each time I left for college.  One time going so far as to stuff in a pair of warm boots I was leaving behind but she worried I'd need (and obviously insisted I bring). Inside one boot was a cheerful note that ended with her favorite line .... "Never say No to your Mama!"

 I am relishing my walks and talks with a friend who lost her mother this spring.  As she and her siblings sort through belongings in the family home, they are savoring the letters kept and stored that share anecdotes about their growing up days, that underscore the love between their parents and their families, that fill in holes, that bring solace.  And, it seems, it is these letters written on paper, sent in envelopes, that are more valuable than the antique furniture and the house full of collected treasures.

In this age of texting and emails, in this day of going paper-less, I wonder how we will capture the feel and touch and even smell of a hand-written letter.  And I wonder what our children and grandchildren are receiving or seeing modeled in the way of hand-written letters.  Child therapist, Brenna Hicks, leads a Child-Parent Relationship Training in which parents are assigned to write three letters to their children in three weeks. She touts the values of both encouraging your children to write letters and writing letters to them.

Yeah, yeah, letter writing takes time. But just think how totally focused you are on that person you are writing to while penning that letter.  Somehow, that love and energy must travel to them with the letter, don't you think?

Each year on their birthdays, I give my grandchildren a letter I have written about the past year of their lives - the fun memories, the sillies, the things they said, did and learned, my thoughts and feelings about them. They are not crazy about this gift now, but I am hopeful that one day they will look back and read the lot and enjoy them.  And, if it goes out with the wrapping, I have saved and backed-up an electronic copy - a very nice bennie of this day and age!

I wish I had written a letter to each of my children on their birthdays through the years. Retirement and grand-parenting bring new perspectives.... and a great deal more time.

I wonder about the day my children will sort through the belongings in our home.  Will they choose to download the contents of the discs and thumb-drives they find in the cupboards and drawers?  Will blogs be my generation's box of hand-written letters?  hmmmm.....

If all the mailbox is going to hold is junk mail, you might as well have fun fetching it!

HAPPY (?) BIRTHDAY

The birthday celebration had all the happy trappings .... delicious food, a pretty cake, chocolate icing, gifts, loved ones, a word-learning toddler repeating "Happy .... Happy .... Happy .... Happy" in a sing-songy voice from his chocolate covered mouth and a five year old who had proudly placed each pink candle in her mom's cake before they were lit!

Then a birthday toast to the beautiful mother of these children.  Eyes glistened with emotion for a moment.  Then the quiet was broken by the ever observant five year old saying, "I didn't know a birthday was like this."

How do you explain that Happy has layers,  just like the birthday cake?

 I wonder.

Feeling safe ... it's CRITICAL!

For 34 years I taught middle school and high school age youth in public and private schools. I LOVED that job.  But it was tough to watch adolescents struggle to survive emotionally in the venue of a public school amid this fast paced American culture.  I learned that if I was going to ask kids to believe in themselves, to stretch and take risks, to work hard to a high standard,  the classroom had to ALWAYS feel safe.  Never could a student fear a smirk, or rolling eyes or a put-down from another. I could not ask these students to take risks if they thought there was even the slightest chance that someone might mock them. EVERYONE had to be valued, ALL the time.

 Every September with new classes of students, we would spend the first weeks talking about what it would take for each of us to make this work.  For those first few weeks, I had to be highly vigilant in monitoring respectful, courageous behavior, reinforcing it, talking about it when we slipped up.  Once that was the clear and non-negotiable norm, we could put the achievement bar way up high.  The safety we felt translated into high achievement.

Now I am retired.  I am a grandmother.  I am thinking in new ways.  I am also concerned in new ways.  

Where do our children and youth find models of integrity and courage to follow?  Where do they find the guts to step out of the bystander role when they witness unkindness or injustice? When will our media and our literature shine a light on kids who do this .... and adults who model and teach this?

My desire to see these values reflected in books and our society has led me to write for kids and start this blog for educators, parents and anyone else who might happen upon it.  It's risky for me.  But I'm  trying to believe that no one is rolling their eyes or smirking at my efforts.

Five and under = FREE!

 " Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you."         Robert Fulghum

Being one of five children in a family on a tight budget, I grew up wearing my sister’s hand-me-downs and waiting my turn for the bike we shared. I learned about want vs need, taking care of what you have, sharing and being thankful.

I also had the opportunity to learn about cost saving of another variety. Always small for my age, at six, seven and even eight years old, I easily passed for five. Family vacations found us in ticket lines at fairs and national parks. I clearly remember the signs advertising Five and Under = Free! As our family of seven arrived at the ticket window, I also remember Dad saying to the person in the ticket booth, “Two adults and three children.” My younger brother was the only one under five, but I knew better than to say anything.

This didn’t seem all that wrong to me when I was young. That is, until I married a man to whom honesty is ALWAYS what you live by. If the waitress forgets to add the dessert to our bill, if the clerk undercharges us, he ALWAYS rights that mistake. And I hate to admit that I still struggle to tell a store clerk she’s undercharged me imagining how nice it would be to have that extra savings.

My Dad was a wonderful man and our family holds a very deep and dear place for me, but it makes me think about what we teach our children each day – both subtly and intentionally.