Licking and Grooming....Not just for Rats!

I am going to use Paul Tough's new book HOW CHILDREN SUCCEED, Grit, Curiosity and the Hidden Power of Character  as the reason why this blog post is late.

I am hooked on every word!  It is not a long book, but it is thick with data, science, long term studies and provocative thought.

It seems rather ironic that I am reading it just when so many school kids and teachers are hunkered down under the pressure of state and federally mandated testing because this book.... and here I paraphrase the book jacket ...... 'challenges the story we usually tell about childhood .... that success comes to those who score highest on tests.  In How Children Succeed, Paul Tough argues that the qualities that matter have more to do with character skills like perseverance, curiosity, optimism, and self-control.'

Reading that alone made me want to shout AMEN. During my career in the classroom we knew (but only anecdotally and subjectively) about the need to develop character right alongside teaching math, history, geography and the five paragraph essay ... but to think that this book might offer proof through careful scientific data and long term study, plus ways to use this knowledge to transform young people's lives, our schools, our parenting and especially to improve the lives of children growing up in poverty - this has me stoked...and hooked.  At least that's what I hope this book is going to tell us....but I'm not there yet - only about sixty fascinating, underlined, dog-eared pages into it.

 I expect several blog posts to bubble up out of all the wonderings this powerful book is bringing up for me.  Here is the first one.....

We were on a family vacation recently (that, more likely, is the real reason for the tardy blog post).  We have a wonderful new baby grandson and on this trip I watched my daughter in law .... at every feeding, diaper change, or free moment ... kiss and nuzzle his sweet two month old face, pick at every piece of lint or dry skin on his round growing body, rub his soft bald head, or simply hold those little fingers that wrapped around hers.  Now it pains me to put our wonderful cherubic grandchildren (or my lovely DIL)  in the same paragraph with rats but Paul Tough talks in this book about studies with rats (led by neuroscientist, Michael Meany) done to expand our understanding of the relationship between parenting and childhood stress. Rat mothers (dams) were observed licking and grooming their offspring (pups) when the pups were returned to the cage following testing, in order to lower the stress hormones that become elevated when they are out of the cage exposed to the rigors of the tests and human handling.  Of course, they observed rat moms who were big L and G-ers (as the scientists termed them) and rat moms who weren't as much. So they decided to set up regular observations to keep score of the  L and G time and then to see if there were any long-term effects of these parenting behaviors on the young rats.

When the rat 'pups' were fully grown, the researchers gave them a series of tests that compared the offspring of the high LG (licked and groomed)  rats with the low LG rats.  The specifics in the book are fascinating but suffice it to say, that on each test the high LG offspring excelled - better at mazes, more social, more curious, less aggressive, healthier, lower levels of stress hormones, more self-control, lived longer.   AND ...  the L and G did not have to come just from the biological mother to produce those effects!

Now perhaps this is more of a "DUH" than an "A-HA" for most, and daunting to anyone trying to assist and improve the lives of disadvantaged children, but here is what Paul Tough says....

           "We now know that early stress and adversity can literally get under a child's skin, where it can cause damage that lasts a lifetime.  But there is also some positive news in this research. It turns out that there is a particularly effective antidote to the ill effects of early stress, and it comes not from pharmaceutical companies or early-childhood educators but from parents.  Parents and other caregivers who are able to form close, nurturing relationships with their children can foster resilience in them that protects them from many of the worst effects of a harsh early environment.  This message can sound a bit warm and fuzzy, but it is rooted in cold, hard science.  The effect of good parenting is not just emotional or psychological, the neuroscientists say, it is biochemical."

Today I am wondering how we as a society can help provide this necessary nurturing to all children.

WHAT MATTERS MOST?

Somedays I still wonder about washing that tennis skirt ……

It was the summer of 2012.  I picked my granddaughter up at tennis camp. We grabbed lunch and headed off to meet friends at the park.  On the way, she asked,

      "Can we wash my tennis skirt when we get home so I can wear it again to tennis camp tomorrow?"

Explaining we had a pretty full afternoon planned and there might not be time to wash it, she asked again, adding one long,  "Puulllleeeeeezzzzzzzzzzz!"

I further explained that her Mom had packed a swim skirt that would do, but she begged again.

When I asked why, her voice came quietly from the back seat of the car,
       "The kids will all think it's dumb to wear a swim skirt to play tennis."

I felt my stomach clench and my heart sink down just a bit.  My mind whirled.

        Really????  I thought.  Already?? At five years old, she is worrying about what the other kids will think?

How do I talk to her about this?  How do I help her see that what matters is what she thinks.  I don't want any of her wonderful energy going into winning approval.  I don't want her to fear stepping outside the box of acceptability.  I don't want her creativity stunted by that worry.  I don't want her to miss out on the beauty of simply being herself, having her own ideas and her own desires.  I especially don't want her thinking, "If I do this, they will say _________."

Reacting to the clench in my gut, I spoke into the back seat,
    "It doesn't really matter what the other kids think, O.  All that matters is what you think."

She was quiet.  I continued.
        "I'm still learning that."

"STILL?  Not just when you were a kid, Noni?"

"Yup…still."

And although I am doing a much better job at this as a grandparent than I did as a parent or a kid, the "Yup….still" response maybe explains the clench in my gut and this wondering.

 How do we continue to help our children and grandchildren, and yes, ourselves,  settle into knowing that what matters most  is what we think of ourselves and not what anyone else might think of us?

HOW IS LIFE DIFFERENT NOW?

It was seven years ago.  My husband and I were newly minted, first-time grandparents out to dinner with a good friend and business consultant.

After adoring the photos of our pie-in-the-sky grand-daughter with all the accompanying oohs and aahs, our friend sat back, smiled and looked us straight in the eyes….
    "So…how is life different now?"  she asked.

My husband and I waxed on about the joy and wonder in seeing your own child parent….. the freedom of enjoying the cuddles, sweet smells and adorableness, then turning the bundle over and heading home for a good night's sleep….the fun of getting out the old toys you've kept all these years …the deep warmth that washes through you when you read her the book her Dad loved.

 But part of me knew that though all those were true, there was more --- that wasn't really what was making life feel so much different now.  It was so much bigger than that, but I couldn't articulate, or didn't know yet, how to answer any differently.

We settled into the business part of the evening.  We were facing some new directions and decisions with our business.  At one point our discussion circled back to a pivotal juncture on this career journey - a week long experience in Toronto where the core and driving philosophy behind this practice was birthed.  Over twenty five years ago now.

Hanging in the lobby of the Toronto training organization was a picture of a sweet young boy.  Under it were these words,  "What about Jeremy?"  This is what we were to keep in mind throughout the week.  To always base our business decisions on what is best for "Jeremy".  To value the world we create when we do this.  To know that children are watching and wondering and ever so willing to emulate us.

I can no longer remember the specifics of what business decisions we were talking about on that night seven years ago, the direction we were thinking of taking the business, or the financial impacts of those potential decisions, but I clearly recall what happened next, for suddenly, I knew the answer to How is Life Different Now?  The lump in my throat and tears that welled up told me so.  And there was an urgent call that came with it.

Grandchildren made the "Jeremy" responsibility come screaming to the forefront.  How do we fix this world?  How do we make it better for our children?  How do we create a culture of care and intentionality around what is good and right for children?  What are we leaving our grandchildren?

That is my wondering again this week…. as now there are three….living and looking up at us.

BEAST MODE …..  what about that label?

Seahawks fever is bursting thermometers here in the Pacific Northwest.  Even those of us who are rather blasé about the sport, and feel much of the culture surrounding it is unhealthy have tuned in a bit.

 Marshawn Lynch, one of the Seattle team's star running backs, is beast like in his strength and power on the field.  The fans have tagged him and his moves with the term, Beast Mode.  The Urban Dictionary defines Beast Mode as,
   " A hype, energetic, outgoing, wilding-out state of mind."  A second definition reads "Superhuman state of being in which animal instincts take over mind and body."

Our three year old grandson is energetic and outgoing. In fact,  sometimes his energy explodes into what you could call a 'wilding-out' state of mind.  He loves to talk in a guttural roar and there are times it seems animal instincts have taken over his body even when he isn't pretending to be a tiger or lion or bear.  He gives us immeasurable joy and abundant smiles.

For Christmas he received a toddler-sized Seahawks t-shirt with BEAST MODE emblazoned across the front.  The perfect gift, we all thought.

Now, if you have followed this blog at all, you know I notice T-shirts and what they are saying.  My grand-daughter's Be Nice shirt plus her Make Yourself Proud shirt have both prompted wondering that turned into posts.

Not sure the Beast Mode shirt would have had that same effect until my husband and I were driving home from the holiday gatherings.  When I commented on the hilarity around the Beast Mode t-shirt, my always-thinking and often-wise husband said he hoped we were not sticking our adorable Mr. G with a tightly adhesive label. Oh sheesh …. really?  I wanted to dismiss that as phooey …. and yet I kept wondering about it.

Could we potentially miss out on the sweet and tender side of this boy if he learns to conform to the behaviors associated with the label we have given him?  Could it even direct or script the path in life he chooses to lead?   I know….pretty strong stuff to lay on one little T-shirt,  and possibly very unlikely, but worth at least wondering about, I think.  Are there other things we are saying to or around this young boy that he is taking in.  How careful do we have to be?

Child psychologist, Brenna Hicks, reminds us on her blog, The Kid Counselor, to keep in mind the implications even harmless labels can have, especially on our children, in regard to their self-esteem, behavior and developing personalities.

She reminds us about families with children who have been officially diagnosed with an emotional, behavioral or mental disorder who have learned the power of labeling and know the hard work involved in helping their child live beyond that defining label.

She suggests we think carefully about the impact of labels and recommends we give intentional thought to the words we choose if we must define certain things about our children for ourselves or others.

      "….try to choose positive versions of the same trait, i.e. "spirited" rather than "hyper", "cautious" instead of "timid".

It makes sense.  It takes work and intention.  Our children and grandchildren are worth it.

Recently, I saw a photo of a child holding a sign with these words, Please don't label me.  Let me grow up and choose for myself.   Maybe someone can find a way to fit that message on a child size T-shirt.

 In the meantime, GO HAWKS!

What does your face say FIRST ??

I am seeing a pattern here at courageouswonderings.blogspot.com..... like many things in the autumn season, my blog entries seem to dry up.  September is our month to travel; then we recoup and catch up half of Oct and soon we are on that slippery slope to and through the holidays.  It's not like I stop WONDERING.  It's the posting about that WONDERING that takes a hiatus.

Much of my fall wondering was inspired by Brene Brown's latest book, Daring Greatly.    Her subtitle clues us in to the content:  How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead.  I found it challenging and provocative. I'd recommend her TED talk too.

The last chapter in Daring Greatly on Wholehearted Parenting had me cheering out-loud in places and quietly nodding my head in a silent Yes, Yes in others! On page 223 Brene Brown talks about one of the very best pieces of parenting advice she ever received.  It was via Toni Morrison on an Oprah show in May of 2000.  Brown writes:

"Ms. Morrison explained that it's interesting to watch what happens when a child walks 
into a room. [Morrison] asked,  'Does your face light up? ......When my children used to walk in the room when they were little, I looked at them to see if they had buckled their trousers or if their hair was combed or if their socks were up....You think your affection and your deep love is on display because you're caring for them. It's not.  When they see you, they see the critical face. What's wrong now?'  [Morrison's] advice was simple, but paradigm-shifting for me. She said, 'Let your face speak what's in your heart. When they walk in the room my face says I'm glad to see them. It's just as small as that, you see?'"

Brown tries to think about that advice literally every day and reminds us of this ...

"those first looks can be prerequisites or worthiness-builders.  I don't want to criticize when my kids walk in the room, I want to light up!"

As a grandparent,  I witness this first hand.  When our grandchildren walk in our door,  they seem to wait for us to lay our eyes on them expecting to see that look on our faces that must somehow match the joy in our hearts.  It's as if they know they bring us delight.  What an incredible feeling for anyone to experience - that your mere presence brings delight!

No doubt this is a common phenomenon when it comes to grandparents and grandkids. But suddenly, I am  feeling a need to send this to my thirty-something son and almost-thirty-something daughter as an apology for the many times my face FIRST said,  "Is your homework done? Are you really going to wear that? Did you wipe your feet? or Hurry up, we're late!"  Yes, some of that might need to come later, but I wish that FIRST, before any of that, my face would have said, I am so happy to see you!

Several months ago, over beer and pizza, I was telling my son about this fabulous book and specifically, this part of the last chapter.  His response was so wise. ( I love to think his wisdom is due to his great parenting, but actually, I think much of it has surfaced since he married his incredible wife!).

He simply said, "That's important to remember in ANY relationship."  

So, dear ones ---- spouse, family, colleagues, committee members, neighbors, friends, and especially the children .... watch my face when I first see you. I hope there is no expectation, prerequisite, "should" or judgement there. I hope it simply says, I am so happy to see you!  Here's to 2013!

The Berenstain Bears ROCK!

It was the first day of class - September something, nineteen ninety something.  Seventh grade core - reading, writing, social studies.  I had big dreams for all that these thirty boys and girls would accomplish that year.  I knew that for those dreams to be actualized I had to convince these 12 and 13 year olds that they needn't worry for even a minute that anyone in this classroom would ever roll their eyes from the back of the room or snicker from a side desk at their efforts.

I talked to them about the one thing I cared about the most - a respectful classroom -  and specifically, INTENT VS IMPACT.  I could see them try to stay with me.  I talked about put-downs and teasing. I acknowledged that many of the TV sitcoms they laughed at or the movies they loved were full of those 'funny put-downs'.  But that we were not going to do that in this classroom.
              "You mean we can't even tell a joke?" one student asked.

I told them I was sure that they would never INTEND to hurt anyone with their words or actions or jokes, but that yes, at least until we all really understood and embraced this and knew each other a whole lot better, we would be VERY careful with our words and our actions because we could never be totally sure what the IMPACT of that joke or tease might be.

I could tell some were skeptical.

We moved on to reading.  I asked if anyone had read a good book over the summer.  Hands went up.
                    "Where the Red Fern Grows."
                    "Maniac Magee."
                    "Witch on Blackbird Pond."

Then I called on a smiling and confident girl near the back who had come in with a friend she now sat near. Just before she could respond, her friend called out, "She read the Berenstain Bears."  Most of the students erupted in laughter.  I don't know if I missed a class-wide teachable moment or not, but I chose to ignore his remark and let her give her answer.  We moved on to a class assignment and I went to my desk while they worked.  Soon I called both of them over to my desk and told them of my concern about his remark in light of our Intent vs Impact agreement.  She quickly defended him saying what a good friend he was and that his remark didn't bother her one bit.  And he said that he teases her all the time.  I assured them I guessed that was the case so I really was not concerned about the impact of that tease on her as much as I was thinking about its possible impact on other students in the classroom....perhaps a student who was new and didn't know anyone and was trying to find the courage to raise her hand to share the summer book she had read, OR perhaps there was a student in our class who had read a Berenstain Bears book because that was his or her reading level.

Every September after that whether teaching middle schoolers or high schoolers, I used that story to illustrate INTENT VS IMPACT.  And when we would get a new student in our midst partway through a year or a semester, I would introduce them and then ask the class to do a brief review of our classroom philosophy.  Inevitably, they would tell the Berenstain Bears story.

So as this new school year arrives, I am grateful for those two students who gave me that example, and I am grateful to Stan and Jan Berenstain for those quirky and fun-filled Berenstain Bears books and I am grateful for all the wonderful and gifted educators who are starting out a new year with their own dreams.

And I am especially grateful for every educator that takes a chunk of time during that first week or month of school to set a tone of respect and caring in his or her classroom.....

and then bird-dogs the heck out of it.

The Gold Medal of Courage .....

Watching the Olympics gives me goosebumps, then lumps in my throat, then jaw-dropping doses of amazement. But most of all, I marvel at the COURAGE so many of these world athletes exhibit as they dig deep to fly over a pommel horse, congratulate the competitor who just beat them by less than a tiny slice of a second, or find a way to be gracious as their careers and hard work go sideways or even end.

In the high school Leadership classes I taught, we talked a great deal about courage.  Our class code asked each student leader (many of them elected by their peers) to dig deep to keep their word, include everyone, stick their neck out when they saw injustice or dishonesty, and try to bring their best self to each day.  We acknowledged the COURAGE it takes to stand up for what you believe to be right - especially in the face of potential ostracism from friends or classmates.   And then we tried HARD to practice it.

 The final assignment asked the students to pick a quote that spoke to them about the qualities we had studied and tried to emulate in our Leadership program.  It required a paper examining how the quote reflected the student's  understanding of leadership and an oral presentation to the class summarizing their thoughts.

"Robby" was in one of those classes.  He had been born with complications in the brain that impacted his speech, his gait and his cognitive ability.  Robby waited until the last day to give his oral presentation.

He had chosen Abraham Lincoln's quote about character:

            Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

On the day of his oral presentation he arrived in class looking worried and shaky.  One of the girls in the class offered to write his quote on the board when he struggled with the chalk and the spelling.  Once the quote was on the board,  he turned to his classmates and haltingly spoke about POWER.  He spoke of TV shows and commercials where people used  POWER to tease others, drive a car real fast, or blow something up.  He spoke of school life where POWER meant being popular.  Finally he spoke to his group of classmates - many of them elected leaders - who had befriended him, who had high-fived him when they passed him in the hallways, who had thought up the idea of having him wear the school mascot costume at the basketball games and the POWER he felt in that incognito role of THOR.

When he finished, I could not speak - and still these years later, as I remember this, the tears come.  The room fell silent that day.  Then "CJ", a tall and powerfully popular senior, spoke.  "We have been talking about COURAGE all semester long.  Today we saw it!"

 I will never ever forget the lesson I learned that day from Robby about the incredible COURAGE it takes to be vulnerable!  Now, in retirement, without students to teach me about vulnerability and authenticity, I find Brene Brown's TED talks and blog inspire me. 

Were CJ's words Robby's gold medal that day?  I wonder. 
  I imagine Robby watching these Summer Games.  How I wish I could put him on the medal stand!  

Maybe we could hold our own summer games - the Olympics of Authenticity!  Go for the Gold.